


A Shot in the Dark

by Carolyn_Spencer



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-18
Updated: 2020-07-18
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:47:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25359412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Carolyn_Spencer/pseuds/Carolyn_Spencer
Summary: Sometimes there are things you can say in the dark that you never can say in the light.
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Spock
Kudos: 35





	A Shot in the Dark

“Spock! Spock, dammit, answer me!”

“...Mmmmm....”

“Come on, Spock, talk to me.”

“...Captain?...”

“Yeah. Jeeze, you scared me. Are you all right?”

“Yes. I am essentially... undamaged.”

“That was quite a knock you took. You’ve been unconscious for about half an hour.”

“Where are we?”

“I carried you into the cave. Are you sure you’re all right? Your voice sounds weak, and I can’t see a blasted thing in here. What’s the last thing you remember?”

“We beamed down to Hera Epsilon on an observational mission. Strictly non-interference with planetary inhabitants. No phasers, only communicators and tricorders allowed. There was a large...animal? Jim! It attacked you! Are you injured?”

“No, don’t move. I’m fine. It’s you I’m worried about. Stay still, I want to feel your head. Damn, Spock, that’s a nasty bump. Sorry. I know that hurt. You may have a concussion. I bet your pupils are dilated. They weren’t when I checked you before, but—”

“I assure you, Captain, I am perfectly functional.”

“You smashed into that cave wall so hard. Then you just... just crumpled like a rag doll with all the stuffing ripped out of it. I couldn’t get you to wake up for the longest time.”

...

“And what the hell were you doing leaping on that thing anyway?”

“You had tripped over that root and fallen. I attempted to immobilize the creature with a nerve pinch before it struck you. An attempt that was successful as I remember.”

“Sure it was successful, Commander. It was successful right up to the point where that thing slammed you against the cave wall as it fell. Dammit, Spock, you’ve got to stop risking yourself for me. You could easily have been killed by that thing. I could have gotten out of its way.”

“I did not see how.”

“It is not your place to ‘see how’, Commander. You disobeyed a direct order to stay away.”

“Mnnnnnnnnn.”

“What was that? I didn’t quite get that. Repeat it, Commander.”

“I said, ‘If you were to remain on the ship and allow experienced landing party details to handle missions for which they have been purposely trained such as this, perhaps I would not have to risk’—”

...

“I beg forgiveness, Captain. That was inexcusable. I shall consider myself on report. Any disciplinary action you consider appropriate will, of course, be—”

“Spock, I'm fine. Really.”

...

“This time.”

“Yes. This time.”

“And I am also ‘fine.’”

“This time.”

“Yes. This time.”

...

...

“Well, we have about four hours before our next check-in is due. When they don’t hear from us, a rescue party will beam down.”

“Am I to infer the communicators are no longer operational?”

“That thing broke mine and yours was destroyed when you slammed into... when you fell. Your tricorder as well.”

“And the creature?”

“It was getting dark fast, and I didn’t want us trapped out in the open with that thing tracking us after it woke up. I brought you in here and piled some rocks against the cave opening. Lucky it was narrow. I heard it get up and move off about ten minutes before you came to. I think we should just stay put. It might come back.”

“Agreed.”

“And I don’t want you moving around too much with a possible head injury.”

“I assure you, Captain—”

“I know, you’re fine. Anyhow we’re stuck here. Any suggestion as to how we can fill up the next four hours, Commander?”

“Difficult in the dark, sir.”

"Yes, well, there was something I’ve wanted to discuss with you for some time, but— What’s that sound? Do you hear it? A low clicking.... Spock! Your teeth are chattering. It’s getting colder, and if it’s beginning to get uncomfortable for me, you must be— Right. Well, I’ll just put my arms around you, and—”

“I don’t.... I would rather you did not, Captain.”

...

“It is not that I— Jim....”

“Is my touch that abhorrent to you, Spock? I thought after all this time—I thought we were...friends.”

“Jim, no! You do not understand.”

“You don’t have to explain, Spock.”

“Friends should make the effort that is required to insure understanding. Do you not agree, Captain?”

...

“Reprimand accepted. What did you want to say?”

“Only that my shields are not as strong as I would wish at this time, possibly due to the blow to my head. Also, the increasing cold is diminishing my capacity to strengthen them. I would not wish to inadvertently enter your mind through physical contact between us.”

“Or have my thoughts enter your mind.”

“Jim, I have known you for two point eight standard years. I doubt any thoughts of yours could cause me pain.”

“And my emotions, Spock? Could they cause you pain?”

“I do not know. I am not knowledgeable about Human emotions, but I do not believe you could cause me pain in any way, Jim.”

“Thank you, my friend. Are you interested in engaging in a small experiment?”

“An experiment.”

“To see whether or not my touch would cause you pain.”

“Jim. I do not....”

“Not quite the attitude I expect from my chief science officer, Mister Spock. Where’s your scientific curiosity? Now what if I were to reach out and… touch you like this. Just touch your shoulder. Surely that’s not painful, is it?”

“No.”

“And if I were to extend my arm around your back like this? Is this painful?”

“No, Jim, but....”

“And if I were to just draw you against my chest like this? With my chest against your back. And wrap my arms around you like this? Could this possibly be painful?”

...

“Don't sigh, Spock. It doesn’t become you.”

“Do you always get your way, Captain?”

“Almost always. And you have to admit this is warmer for both of us. A logical solution, wouldn’t you say, Commander?”

“I have learned to my detriment that logic has very little to do with the Human species, Captain.”

“It happens to be your species, too, Commander.”

...

“You’re stiff as a board, Spock. Why don’t you lay your head back on my shoulder. Rest. You can even enter the healing trance if you want.”

“No.”

“Why not? I’m here to bring you out of it.”

“If the creature returned, it might hurt.... You would be left alone to deal with it, Captain. I could provide no assistance.”

“Well, at least relax back against my shoulder. Yes, like that. Try to sleep.”

...

...

“It is difficult.”

“Hmmmm?”

“To rest... with you rubbing your chin through my hair.”

“Yes. Sorry about that. Your hair is so soft though. It looks soft, but it’s even softer than I imagined it would.... I mean, your hair feels as fine as a baby’s, Spock.”

...

“You do not have to desist from what you were.… That is to say, I realize Humans have tactile needs to....”

“Does it bother you if I do that, Spock?”

“No.”

“Then I’ll just continue.”

...

“Spock?”

“Hmmmm?”

“Are you able to read my mind? I mean, now that we’re in such close contact with each other can you tell what I’m thinking?”

“No. I have managed to barrier to some extent. Certain... impressions are however, ‘bleeding’ through, so to speak.”

“Oh? What impressions?”

“There is the physical warmth, of course. And I sense... acceptance and… affection?”

“Yes. A great deal of affection. As a matter of fact I l....”

...

“...like you very much, Spock.”

“It is reciprocated. I also like you, Jim.”

“Thank you.”

“You are welcome.”

...

...

“This isn’t working. It’s getting colder, and you’re still shivering.”

“Yes. I do not seem to be able to adequately maintain my optimum temperature level.”

“Does this help? If I rub my hands up and down your arms?”

“The friction does marginally increase the amount of heat generated.”

“Good. Maybe we can use your telepathic ability as well. Suppose I concentrate on mentally projecting images of warmth. Do you think that would help?”

“Images of warmth, Captain?”

“Has your hearing been affected? Images of warmth, Spock. It’s worth a shot. Now let’s see.”

...

“I know. How’d you like to come home with me?”

“Our next shore leave is not scheduled for another three point four months, and while I would be pleased to accompany—”

“No, I mean I’ll describe a place, a warm place, and you can sort of imagine yourself there.”

“Vulcans are not known for their vivid imaginations, Captain.”

“Spock....”

“—However I would be pleased to go home with you, Jim.”

“Good. Now let me think.”

...

“I’ve got it. There is a place at home. I’ve often pictured you— I’ve wanted you to see it. Share it with you. It’s very beautiful. Right out near the boundary line of our farm there’s this small clump of trees, and hidden inside, there’s—”

“What is the genus of the trees?”

“What?”

“What kind of trees in the ‘clump’?”

“I was never a boy scout. How the hell should I know?”

...

“Oak mainly, I think. And some ash and birch trees. Okay?”

“You may proceed.”

“Thank you.”

“You are welcome.”

“Anyway, there are these oak and ash trees, and a small stream, and—”

“And birch trees.”

...

“Yes, and birch trees.”

...

“I used to go there a lot when I was a kid, especially when I had something to think about or even when I just wanted to be alone and daydream. Hidden away, right in the middle of the trees there was this little glade. It was really beautiful. Sort of magical. As if there, just in that one place, anything was possible. In the late afternoon the setting sun would hit the trees just right and beams of sunlight would filter down into the glade. A very quiet place. Peaceful.”

“How old were you when you discovered this place?”

“About seven or so. I’ll never forget the first time I stumbled on it. I had been out walking, following the stream. The sun was shining down into the center of the glade, and I stood there a moment. Because it was so beautiful, you know?”

“And magical.”

“Yes. While I was standing there a doe came from between the trees and stepped into the clearing. She was very young, maybe not even a year old. She had just shed her winter coat, and the new summer coat wasn’t fully grown in yet but it looked so soft. I remember wanting to touch her back, run my fingers through that beautiful lush softness. She had enormous liquid brown eyes.

“She was alone?”

“Yes. Maybe she was too young to mate, or maybe she had lost her fawn.”

“Lost it?”

“The universe can be a wicked place, Spock. Sometimes you can’t protect those you care the most about no matter how hard you try.”

“That is...true.”

...

“At any rate, we stared at each other for what seemed an eternity, but was probably only about a minute or two. Neither of us moved. There was something so vulnerable about her, so innocent, and it all came pouring out of those deep brown eyes. I could have sworn she was lonely, but I knew that if I so much as breathed hard she would leave.”

“What did you do?”

“Huh? Nothing. I didn’t do anything. A bird flew into the clearing and she bolted away. I went back looking for her several times, but I never saw her again.”

“Perhaps you should have approached her. She might have welcomed your touch.”

...

“Mister Spock, you never fail to amaze me.”

...

“Was this the scene you wished me to envision, Captain? While pleasant, it does not seem to generate the required heat necessary for—”

“Uh, no. Actually I was thinking of the two of us there. Late summer. Yes, late August, or early September. Right before the weather changes. We’d take a picnic lunch and an old blanket and stretch out right in the middle of the glade. You’d lie down—”

“What would we be wearing?”

"What?"

“What would—”

“I heard you. I would have on an old pair of cut-off jeans as shorts...and nothing else.”

“No shoes?”

“I’d have taken them off, okay?”

“And I?”

“You’d be in your science blues.”

“Jim, I hardly think I would continue to wear my uniform on leave when—”

“Look, this is my fanta.... Uh, I mean I’m the one who’s describing this scene. You’re wearing your science uniform.”

“Yes, Jim.”

"Right. Anyhow, we’d stretch out on our backs next to each other on the blanket. We’ve eaten and you’re feeling nice and relaxed and comfortable. The sun is beating down on us.”

“May I inquire as to the contents of our repast?”

“You may not!”

...

“Somehow I get the feeling you’re not getting into the spirit of this, Spock.”

...

“I’ve got an idea. Why don’t we stretch out here on the floor of the cave. We can pretend this is the glade. I’ll stay close so you won’t get cold.”

“Jim....”

“Humor me.”

...

“That’s it. Now where was I?”

“‘The sun is beating down on us.’”

“Yes. The sun is very hot, and you’re all relaxed and comfortable. You close your eyes against the light, but your skin soaks up the warmth like a sponge. You feel it seep deep down inside until you're warm all the way through. The only sounds we can hear are the muted buzzing of the insects, but even they are lethargic in the heat and the stream, a lazy melodic tinkling in the distance.

“Suddenly a tiny insect, and don’t ask what kind—a gnat of some type—lands on the tip of your ear. But you’re feeling so warm and lazy, at first you don’t even reach up to brush it away. Before you can move, I blow a warm breath of air on your ear, like this, and—”

“Sorry. Didn’t mean to make you jump.”

“I was not prepared for your action. However it does add verisimilitude to the illusion. You may proceed.”

“Your eyes are closed. They are closed, aren’t they?”

“Jim, in the dark it hardly matters whether one’s eyes are open or—”

“Close them.”

“Jim....”

“Close them. Trust me.”

“Why do those words engender the opposite reaction in me, especially when you say them, Jim?”

“Spock....”

“My eyes are closed.”

“Good. Now, let’s see.... Oh, yes, your eyes are closed against the sun. The barest flutter of a breeze wafts over your face, but it’s warm and sweet-smelling from the grasses. It ruffles the tips of your hair out of its perfect alignment. The smallest hint of a smile turns up the corners of your mouth, but—”

“Why?”

“Why what?”

“You say I am smiling. Why are you observing my face? Since we are on shore leave, would it not be more natural for you to be resting as well?”

...

“Jim?”

“...Umm. I like to see you happy, Spock.”

“...Oh, but—”

“Look, I have an idea. Just for... say the next fifteen minutes I don’t want you to say anything. Just listen to my voice, and try to relax. After that, you can say anything you want to and I... I promise to listen, but for now will you do that for me?”

“Fifteen minutes.”

“There you go again. Yes. Fifteen minutes. Agreed?”

“Agreed.”

“Good. You know the dark is actually going to make this a lot easier. Now where was I? Don’t answer that. Ah, yes, you’d be stretched out on your back, your eyes closed and I’d be propped up on my elbows looking down at your face. You know I’ve always thought your face was... well, beautiful. Right from the first day I met you there in the transporter room. I wasn’t half so nervous about taking command of the Enterprise as I was about meeting you. Your record...and your being a Vulcan. And the first thought I had was, ‘Why he’s beautiful.’ Your face was maybe a trifle thinner then, all sharp planes and angles, and you had those elegant ears and… you don’t mind if I touch your ears, Spock? It’ll help me remember. Ummm. And those dark expressive eyebrows of yours? See, I can find them on your face without even looking. And of course, your hair. Soft as a bird’s wing. Like that deer would have felt, Spock.

“Actually I... I have a confession to make. I felt quite sexually attracted to you that first day, Spock. But then I looked into your eyes and I saw a wariness there. I realized what I had been feeling was... lust. Pure and simple. And a captain isn’t supposed to feel lust for those entrusted to his command.”

...

“Anyway, I’d tell this to you while we were lying there in the glade in the sun.”

...

“How much time do I have left, Spock?”

...

“Twelve point seven three minutes. Um. Jim....”

“Twelve point seven three minutes. Then you can say what you want.

"So I put those thoughts away and set about working to gain your friendship. You’re awfully tense, Spock. I’ll just rub your shoulders. Maybe it’ll help you relax.

“You know when I realized we were really friends? It was when you wanted me to kill the Horta because it was in the cavern with me. And because you melded with it, despite the discomfort it caused you, because I asked it of you. I never told you how much your trust meant to me. But there in the glade I could tell you.

“You know your face, your body is a map of our friendship, Spock. If I place my hands here on the meld points of your face I think of the first time I felt your thoughts. Do you remember? It was that time in Kor’s headquarters on Organia. He had just put you under the mind-sifter and when you came back into the room all I could do was search your face looking for the...damage. He kept talking on and on and I didn’t understand a word of it. All I was thinking was that if he’d hurt you I was going to kill him. Somehow. Then I felt it, the softest whisper of your mind in mine. ‘Do not be concerned, Jim. It did not harm me.’

"We never talked about it. I never told you how perfectly right it felt for your thoughts to be in my head like that. How much I... missed you when you were gone. How cold my mind felt. Ten words. Ten words, Spock. You were inside my head for maybe three seconds, and I felt... such a cold gaping hole when you left.

...

“You're still shivering, Spock. Are you cold too, I wonder, or is it something else? No, I'll put my finger against your lips so you can’t answer me. Not yet. Let me put my arms around you. Warm you with my body, like you warmed me with your thoughts. Feel the sun on us, Spock. Feel me stroking your back. Right here under your shirt, that's where the parasite on Deneva struck you. Was that the day I first knew I... loved you, Spock? When you tried so hard to comfort me when Sam died? That first fumbling effort to ease my pain was so hard for you. I never told you how much it meant to me. And then later, when you were attacked, I knew I never in my whole life had cared for anyone the way I cared for you. Not Sam. Not Edith. No one.

...

“Was that a sigh, Spock? With your head pressed against my shoulder like that it’s hard to tell. No, don’t move. I love how your skin feels under my hands. How smooth, how soft. Yet I can feel the strong muscles in your back, your breath against my neck, your scent in my nostrils. What a beautiful body you have. Long. Lean. I love the way my hand feels as I run it down your back. How it feels when I grasp your butt in my hand. How you fit in my hand, Spock. Like you were created just for me to hold. Beautiful.

“Uh oh, I’m repeating myself. How much time left?”

...

”Spock?”

“Ummm.”

“How much time do I have left?”

“...Um...eight point...er...four.”

“Eight point...er...four. That’s not very much time. I don’t want to waste it by repeating myself.

“Shall I tell you about the time I thought maybe you cared more than as a friend for me? It was after your aborted pon farr. You were so relieved I was alive. There, right in Sickbay you... smiled at me. And what a smile. We could have powered the Enterprise with it. Years dropped off your face. You were so young, so magnificently alive at that moment. You trusted me with that smile. Let me see what you were feeling. How I melted inside.

“And then you realized Bones and Christine were there and it was gone. We left Sickbay. Do you remember? We didn’t say a word to each other until we were in the turbolift. You stopped the lift with a word. We both turned to each other. All I wanted to do was kiss your mouth, Spock. That mouth that smiled at me. I knew just how I was going to do it, too. I would have laced my fingers through that black silk you call hair, like this. Then I would have drawn your head close to meet mine, like this. Then I would have pressed my lips against yours. Almost chastely. More of a promise than a kiss. Like this.”

...

“But I didn’t get the chance. ‘I am in need of meditation, Captain,’ you said. ‘Of course, Mister Spock,’ I answered. ‘Take all the time you need.’ Never once would you meet my eyes. Whatever you were feeling that day for me, you were ashamed of it. Then you were out of the turbolift and gone. You couldn’t wait to get away from me.

“So naturally, I had to let it go. How much time now?”

“...Jim....”

“How much time?”

“About s-seven minutes.”

“About?”

...

“It was such a gradual thing my... falling in love with you, Spock. I don’t think I can put my finger on exactly when it happened. Was it the first time you saved my life, or the first time I saved yours? Maybe it was that time on Noridon when we were caught in the rain, and you looked so miserable that I just wanted to put my arms around you.

“Maybe it was that time on Vaal’s planet. You know I still dream about that. Do you know how many thorns that plant shot into you, Spock? Eleven. I counted them. Eleven poisonous thorns that you took for me that day. I see them over and over in my dreams. There are always eleven, but they're not thorns in my dreams. They’re knives. I see them slicing into you, cutting through vital organs. And you... die in my arms. Over and over again.

“So many ways to lose you.

“I'm just going to lift up your shirt here, Spock. Maybe if I put my hands on your chest I can reassure myself you’re really all right. Will you help me make the dreams stop?"

“Unnn.”

“I'll take that to be a ‘yes’.

“Gods, your skin feels hot, Spock. And soft, even here. I think I’m really glad I can’t see your face. Shall I tell you what I imagine you look like now? Your eyes are clenched shut, head thrown back. Is your mouth open, Spock? Is my name on your lips? Do you feel my hands on your chest? Pressing? Pinching?

“Was that painful? I'm sorry. I don’t ever want to cause you pain. Let me.... I’ll just lick it right here. Suck these wonderful green nipples of yours. Feel them rise against my lips. Like... this....”

“...Ummm....”

“A moan, Spock? I hope so. Spread your legs for me, love. Let me lie here between them. That’s right. If you raise up a bit more I can slide my hand under your pants. Where’s that clasp? Got it. Just a second more.... There. Doesn’t that feel better?

“You feel so hot, so alive in my hand, Spock. Feel my breath on your cock. Now I’m just going to stroke— Easy, love, easy. Just a nice slow motion, Spock. I’ll just pet you a little bit longer. I have one more short story to tell you.

“By then I had given up hope that there ever could be anything more between us than friendship. I was prepared to accept… that.

“Then there was Rayna. Just a month ago. I won’t lie to you, Spock. I needed someone. She was so beautiful and brilliant. So much like you. I thought that maybe....

“You see both you and Bones thought I was asleep that night. I heard the way he lashed into you ‘...the word ‘love’ isn’t written into your book,’ Bones said. I know I should have said something then. I should have defended you. But... but I wanted to hear what you would say.

“You didn’t say anything, Spock. I thought... I thought maybe Bones was right. Then you touched me, Spock. My mind. I put up those barriers the way you taught me. I felt your thoughts and there was such...love...there. Like a blinding ball of light. I couldn’t mistake that for anything else, Spock, could I? Gods, I hope not. ‘Cause if I’m wrong, Spock? If I’m wrong I know you'll... leave me.

“I’m going to hold you in my mouth now, Spock. I’m going to show you how very much I love you. I’m going to love you now, Spock, because maybe this taste of you is all that I’ll ever have.”

...

...

“Spock?”

...

“Oh, gods, I don’t know what came over me. I practically raped you. I hope you can... forgive me.

...

“How much time do I have left?”

“Actually, Captain, you have... exceeded your time limit by four point... by several minutes.”

“Well, at least you’re still talking to—”

“Keptin?”

“Oh, shit.”

“Keptin Kirk? Are you in there, sair? Can you hear me? Fisher, make sure you pick up every piece of the communicators and the tricorder. Omatu, start moving those rocks from the entrance.”

“Can you fasten— Here, Chekov! In here. Damn, Spock. Have you arranged your clothes?”

“Yes, Captain.”

“You sound so.... Look, just think about it. And Spock?”

“Sir?”

“I do love you, you know.”

“Keptin, are you and Mister Spock all right, sair?”

“Em... perfectly all right, Ensign. You want to dim that light, Fisher? Our eyes aren’t used to the brightness. That’s better. Mister Chekov, our next call-in wasn’t due for several hours. Do you mind telling me what you’re doing down here?”

“Ve scanned some of the inhabitants moving this way, sair, and when ve tried to inform you ve couldn’t get a response on either of the communicators, so ve—”

“Yes, I see, Ensign.”

“They’ve changed directions, Keptin, but—”

“Yes, well thank you, Ensign. Let me have your communicator. I think we’ll beam up now.”

“Are you sure you’re all right, sair? You seem a little—”

“Transporter room, Kirk here.”

“Kyle here, sir.”

“Five to beam up, Mister Kyle.”

**** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** ****

“Bones. Should have known you’d be here. Mister Chekov, Fisher, Omatu, you’re dismissed. Mister Spock, report to Sickbay. Bones, you’d better look him over. He took quite a knock down there.”

“Maybe I’d better look you over, Jim. You’re flushed, sweating, breathing unevenly. Do you feel all right?”

“Nothing wrong with me a shower won’t cure. A cold one. It was hot down there.”

“But the scanners said it was pretty cold, especially since the sun's gone—”

“Cold, hot! What’s the difference?”

“Jim?”

“Look, Bones, for just once in your life, don’t argue.”

“Excuse me, Captain. Doctor, I see you have your medi-scanner with you. Will you please examine me and assure the captain as to my health?”

“He checks out fine, Jim. Actually, Spock, that place might have done you some good.”

“Bones?”

“Well, look at him, Jim. His eyes are positively gleaming.”

...

“Why so they are, Bones. So they are. Would you care to give us your opinion about that, Mister Spock?”

“Doctor, I made some...fascinating discoveries down on the planet. Captain, I believe we should continue this discussion in your cabin. I will need approximately fifteen minutes of your time.”

“Fifteen minutes?”

“Perhaps several minutes more.”

“I... see.”

“And there is the matter of the lights in your quarters. I believe you told me they have exhibited an annoying tendency to go... out.”

“Leaving me... in the dark.”

“Indeed, Captain. I believe I will take a... shot at alleviating your problem.”

...

“After you, Mister Spock.”

“Yes, Captain, after me.”

...

...

“Kyle, am I the only one who doesn’t understand what the hell’s going on around here?”

**Author's Note:**

> Story Notes:  
> This story originally appeared in the print fanzine Amazing Grace 3 under the name Kyla Luba and was published in 1992 by Dorothy L. It is essentially unchanged except for some minor corrections. Thank you, Kero, for your excellent typing and editing skills this time around, and Virginia Sky for your technical savvy.


End file.
